we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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