i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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