I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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