I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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