According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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