I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
