were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
