listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
