hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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