my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
