shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
