Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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