just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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