i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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