Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
