no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
