seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
