3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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