If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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