remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
