You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
