She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
