Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Houston, we have a squirter
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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