You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
