I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
