I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
