your parents love me but you hate me
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize