It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Your dad touched me again.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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