I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
