I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize