Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
