I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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