yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
