i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
