No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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