im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
