Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
