My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize