If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
