Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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