hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
and you fell through a lawn chair
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
