Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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