we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
