i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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