nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
