Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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