Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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