New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
