He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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