1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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