please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
