Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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