I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize