they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
