I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
