Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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