omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
