Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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